Ingredients:

• 2 29 oz can Tomato Sauce
• 1 29 oz can Crushed Tomatoes
• 1 can Dark Red Kidney Beans, drained
• 3 packets chili powder
• 2 lb ground beef
• Dash of Jane's Crazy Mixed Up Salt
• Dash of Tabasco
• 1/2 medium yellow onion

Other Essentials:

• 2 Red Stripe (hooray, beer!)
• Talking Homer Simpson Bottle Opener

Directions:
First, make sure you wash your hands, you filthy heathens! Yes, you're going to be preparing food, so actually use soap this time.

Using the Talking Homer Simpson Bottle Opener, open one Red Stripe (Hooray Beer!). This is very important and must be done with care as it is a known party foul to spill beer. In my house it is generally considered heresy and punishable with immediate expulsion from the grounds. Anyways, once the bottle is open, drink some. You will need it.

Next, you will need to cook the ground beef. To do this, take a saucepan and throw the ground beef in it (after taking it out of the package, of course). Add a dash of Jane's Crazy Mixed Up Salt for seasoning. If you are unable to locate Jane's, you can use salt, pepper and garlic salt to taste (there's more to Jane's, but this will approximate the flavor). Just make sure you use equal amounts of each.

Once the beef is on its way, we can start on the goodness that is the chili sauce. It's important to get the seasoning and stuff mixed in *BEFORE* you add the beans and beef. If I was cooking the chili just for me, I wouldn't add beans, but the wife demands that the chili be accompanied by beans, so I must comply or face being cut off. :)

Did you forget about your beer? Drink up, slacker!

Making the sauce is fairly simple: Take the three cans of the tomato stuff and dump it into a crock pot. If you do not have a crock pot or a slow cooker, you can use a big pot of some kind. We use a slow cooker because we have a gas range, and it gets way too hot for a 24 hour + chili simmer.

You will want to dump the chili seasoning and Tabasco sauce in at this point. stir it well so that the seasoning all mixes in. If it seems too thick, you can add a cup or so of water (I always do this to rinse out the cans. I'm a cheap bastard). You can also chop the onions and mix 'em in while you're at it (I chop them big because I hate onions in food but I like the flavor).

Once this is mixed up, open the Red Kidney Beans and drain them as well as you can. Mix them in with the sauce.

Finally, you will need to drain the fat from the beef and dump it into the pot. Mix well, set the crock pot (or burner) on low. Stir occasionally so it doesn't get burnt to the bottom of the pot.

It won't be good for at least 24 hours. When it's ready, scoop out a generous portion, top with sharp cheddar cheese, and eat.

All you need for the chili goodness!

Hooray, beer!

mmm..dead cow...

Tomatoes are fruit.

..so are beans
(the magic fruit!)

mmm..chili..