1.) Have all your documentation available and ready. If you need a support number, contract contact, credit card number for pay support, etc, have it ready. If you are calling about an error, have the error message written, printed, screen captured, etc EXACTLY as it appears on the computer screen. Saying "it doesn't work" or "I get an error that says something is a problem" simply does not give the technician enough information to work with. Don't waste the tech's time fumbling for this information.
2.) READ THE FUCKING MANUAL before contacting support!! This is also known as RTFM. Before contacting support, read the available documentation, search the "Knowledge Base" or "FAQ" section, check the "Help" menu item in the program itself, and pop in to the user forums (if available) and see if you can find the answer yourself. Technical Support is there for technical issues, not to teach you how to use your software or hardware. If you have problems grasping simple computer terminology or concepts, it may be wise to consider taking a computer class at your local Community College or Community Center. These classes are often very low cost or even free and offer invaluable information regarding operating a computer or program.
3.) If you are replying to an e-mail, be sure to include all the previous correspondence. When I worked for a large ISP, I would answer around 300 messages a day. Obviously, it is extremely difficult to remember one message out of the three hundred (unless it was particularly bone-headed or entertaining). It is always important to include the previous e-mail correspondence so we know what we've tried, what's been done, etc.
4.) Be in front of the computer. It's amazing how many people I've talked to are not even in front of the computer when they call. Simply put, I can not guide you through fixing a problem if you are not in front of the computer, ready to go.
SECTION 2: Calling the Help Line
1.) Call the right people. The Accounting department is usually clueless about the software, much less how to fix it. Likewise, the Sales department can't fix your Blue Screen of Death. If you are instructed to do something through the phone jail, don't just hang up and try a different option until you get a live person. The phone jail is not there to torment, it's there to instruct and properly route the calls. Likewise, calling your software vendor about a hardware issue isn't going to get the problem fixed. You would not call your cable company because your electricity is out, would you?
2.) If you've e-mailed, don't call and vice-versa. I can't begin to think of how many times I've gotten calls that start out with "I just sent you an e-mail, but I wanted to call and get a faster answer". One or the other, please. Calling about the same issue after e-mailing us only wastes the time we could be using to help other people with their problems. If you e-mail, stick with e-mail unless directed otherwise. If you call, stick with phone calls unless directed otherwise. Often times, the people who answer the phones are NOT the people who answer the e-mail, the two wouldn't know about outstanding issues you may be having as discussed in a different medium.
3.) Be Patient. We all have better things to do than to sit on hold or talk to some greasy computer geek. I know this, but you know what? Being impatient makes the wait seem longer. Likewise, going off on the tech because you have been on hold for an hour is counterproductive and won't get him to solve your problem any faster (see Section 3).
SECTION 3: Communicating With the Technician
1.) Treat the technician with the same courtesy and respect you wish them to provide to you. While it is their job to be nice to you as a customer, this does not give you the right to verbally abuse the person on the other end of the telephone. You're angry, you're frustrated, you feel stupid calling. We know this, but there is no need to lam blast the poor CSR on the other end who is trying to help you. More often than not, you will end up getting hung up on or your mail deleted rather than the answer you are looking for. Remember, that Technicians are trying to help you and they have feelings too.
2.) Don't eat while you're trying to talk to a Technician. Why? *CRRRRUNNCCCCHHH* *smack* *smack* *smack* *smack* Wha doof *smack* yoof think? *smack* *smack* GULP. Besides being rude, it's also very disruptive and distracting. If you can only call on your lunch break or something, perhaps you should learn some basic time management skills. They teach that sort of thing at Community Colleges.
Likewise, it is always a good idea to speak clearly. If English (in my case) is not your native tongue, be sure you have a firm grasp on the language before calling. If you do not, have someone call in lieu of you who does. Language Barriers slow down the problem solving process.
3.) Don't talk over your technician. Besides being rude and inconsiderate, you may miss something I am trying to tell you when you're too busy talking over me. Hear me out, or better yet, TRY what I'm telling you to do before telling me that you feel I am wrong.
4.) Try the things the technician asks you to. A Technician's job is to GUIDE YOU through the process of fixing the problem you are having. We can not wave some magic wand and make the problem go away. Listen to what the technician is saying and perform the steps he or she tells you to in the order he or she tells you to do it. Do not complain about it. If you have already performed these steps, try it again anyway and report the outcome to the technician.
5.) Complaining to a Technician about something the tech has no control over is counterproductive. Just don't do it. If you don't like the registration process for the software, don't buy it. If you don't like the way the FILE menu looks, don't buy it. If you don't like that you have to pay for support, don't buy the software. Simple as that. Don't whine about policy, because you are complaining to someone who has absolutely no control over these aspects of the business is not going to get the policy changed. Look for a link to e-mail the president of the company or something similar if you do not like the policies.
6.) Don't threaten to sue the company if you want your problem solved. If you threaten to sue, contact legislators, whine a whole lot, or just generally make an ass out of yourself, you probably will just get laughed at and sent to the Legal Department. I have worked with three companies who deal with the public that stated this quite clearly in the Standard Operating Procedures: If you threaten to sue, I was to immediately transfer them to legal. End of discussion. Clearly, you will not get your problem solved any faster by being litigious.
7.) Your call may be important to us, but we could give one half of one shit about your problems at home, at work, etc. Stay on topic. While it's sad that your second wife keeled over from an ingrown toenail, my job is to help you with our products, not listen to your life story and provide you with a free psychoanalysis. I am trained in Technical issues, not psychology. Further, knowing your wife left you for the milkman and took your dog will not help me analyze, diagnose and rectify your problem. More often than not, the Tech could give a rat's ass about you or your personal problems. Most are working for that next smoke break.
8.) Don't lie. Why? We'll just ridicule you more. Seriously, if you don't know the answer to the question, say so, don't lie or make something up. We can often times tell when you're full of shit, and lying won't get you an accurate answer. Remember, Support personell rely on YOU to work with THEM to fix a problem you are having.
9.) Don't demand anything. Ask the technician for help, don't demand it. Remember that you are the one with the problem, not the technician. Sure, it is the tech's obligation to provide you with assistance, but setting a hostile tone right off the bat is a sure way to get a hostile response. I know for a fact that the people who get expedited refunds, "special treatment" (like discounts, promotional items, etc) on my watch are those who ASK for help, not demand it. Saying something like "You are going to help me fix this problem, or I'm going to return the software!" generally will get you a hostile response. Don't send an e-mail demanding we call you for help. Don't call and demand we call your house so we can walk your wife/husband/significant other/kid/goldfish through the problem. They have fingers (or fins), and they can call me just as well as you can.
10.) Realize that you are human and prone to make mistakes. While I know for a fact that some of our customers have a severe god complex, I can assure you they are not god. This particular topic often reminds me of the call I got a while back from a guy who couldn't have possibly entered the wrong Registration Key into his software because "He wrote it down correctly" and he was "an MCSE with 10 years of experience". After having him read the key, I realized he missed about 10 characters throughout the entire key. After going back and fourth with this rather hostile person, I finally convinced him to compare the key in his e-mail and the key on his PDA. He noticed the problem(s) right away and hung up on me instead of saying thanks.
11.) Speaker Phones are neat and convenient for you, but they suck for us. Don't use one when contacting support. Get a hands-free headset or learn to type with both hands with your neck cricked over. Why? Because it's incredibly difficult to understand what you are saying when communicating through a speaker phone.
SECTION 4: Escalating Issues
1.) Just because you're having a bad day or you don't like my answer doesn't mean you get to talk to a supervisor. If you're frustrated by me, just wait until you talk to my supervisor. In my current position, my supervisor is also the President of the company, speaks with a heavy Eastern European accent, and has less of a clue about the software than you do. Not that he's stupid or anything, it's just not his job. You have to remember, supervisors are management. They manage people, not deal with customer problems. Complaining about me to him will just get you laughed at and maybe he'll say "that guy/woman hates you" when he gets off the phone with you. In previous jobs, "supervisors" were merely the guy or gal next to me. "Hey John, wanna be a supe"? Remember that.
2.) Your problem does not make the world stop. Just because you have a problem with the software doesn't mean we're going to drop everything and issue you a patch. Let's face it, buggy software happens..but 99% of the problems I get aren't because of buggy software, it's the device between the keyboard and the chair failing to critically think. If it does turn out to be a bug, I'm not going to code a patch for you while you're whining about the software. By all means, expect a patch, but not in 20 minutes.