eschew.net - Just an escape..

News Day!	May 26, 2006 - 04:32PM
~God smites SUV with sheet metal from the sky. ~Veggies rot your teeth. ~Ozone layer showing signs of recovery. Global warming indeed. ~Man faces felony battery charges for pushing through emergency workers attending to his critically injured daughter. ~Michael, your reserve bid is entirely too low. ~BBC tacklies the tough questions: is having sex at work illegal? ~Asshat RIAA now says it's ok to exercise your legally protected rights to listen to music you purchased. How kind of them. ~12 species of flies get federal protection, making it illegal to kill them. You know where this is going, right? ~Al Qaeda knows they r teh sux0r at combat, vows to play more Counterstrike. Oh, and they also know they hoodwinked the American Media. ~Eating broccoli can stop you from getting teh herps. ~Wow. 61 years later, British war debt to the US is almost paid off. ~O'RLY? YA RLY... ~Woot! Bellsouth might be liable for turning over phone records to NSA. Gimme my $1k, chumps. ~Lawyers file suit to challenge new bankruptcy laws. ~Muslims outraged by the blasphemus depiction of Jesus Christ in The Da Vinci Code. Wait. What?! ~Walmart, Target accused of using carbon monoxide to enhance color of meat. ~Congress may require ISPs to snoop on you. Fourth amendment?! WHAT Fourth Amendment! ~Guy gets operation on hemorrhoids. farts during procedure, singes himself. ~The RIAA mistakes XM Radio for people who don't own computers, students, single moms. ~Jack the Ripper might have been Jill the Ripper. ~Ok, this Harry Potter crap has gone too far now. ~Let this be a lesson to you all: God will smite your weave if you read the bible. ~If you're running MS-Word, you've got security issues. Microsoft suggests running the program in safe mode, rather than actually addressing the issue. ~1/3 of drivers want to trade in their penis mobiles for fuel-efficient cars. ~Dracula's castle to be handed back to ancestrial famlily. ~Cool optical illusion. ~Ninja attack! ~mm...a-la carte tv.. ~Oops. ~The asshats over at the RIAA feel pretty good about suing grandmothers and 12 year olds. ~Cool your PC with cooking oil. ~Captain Obvious says: "Software companies lie about their piracy loss figures". ~Captain Obvious says: "Half the tech returns to stores are a end user problem, not a broken device". ~Captain Obvious says: "If you're going to charge $5,000 worth of titjob to your boss' credit card, don't be surprised if they fire you". ~Captain Obvious says: "female names get more attention in chat rooms". ~Captain Obvious says: "Gas boycotts don't work, dumbass". ~Martha Stewart Plans own version of myspace. ~Apparently, people are now just catching on that Wisteria Lane needs a corner sammich shop. ~Milla Jovovich wants to have kids. I can help her with that... ~John Travolta apparently turning into Tom Cruise. ~Oops, she's pregnant again. ~George Lucas FINALLY authorizes the release of the original unauthorized Star Wars trilogy. ~Rachel Weisz claims her facial hair would make her look like a monkey if she didn't get rid of it. I'd still hit it. ~Tommy Chong no longer smokes pot (site might not be safe for work). Yeah. Right.
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News Day!	April 28, 2006 - 03:31PM
~Some poor guy's severed burrito found in 7-11 microwave. ~IRS not sharing audit statistics...in violation of 1976 court order...oops. ~World of Warcraft population officially surpasses the population of Denmark. ~Kid gets 4 days in juvie hall for administering an unsolicited purple nurple. ~Beer fights chronic heart disease, lets ugly people get laid. ~100 year old finally retires. After 76 years at the same job. ~Would you buy sushi from WalMart? Me neither. ~Teh world is gunna end! Cats and dogs living together! Microsoft supporting Linux! ~Asshat RIAA suggests kids drop out of college to pay for piracy settlements. ~NEWSFLASH! Wearing all black is satanic! ~Amazon.com tries to patent way to pay taxes online. ~Wow. and I thought my $50 phone bill was bad. ~EPCOT's Mission Space ride claims second victim. ~Man beats his girlfriend with a microwave for not heating up his sammich. ~24 ways to spend $500, doesn't include "giving it to me". ~AOL caught red handed censoring member mail. ~The missing art of chilvary. ~A brief history of Easter candy. ~OMG! Dubya is a music pirate! ~Stupid user tricks, or why my job is a living hell. ~Religion..in...SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCEEEEE ~ZOMG FREE STUFF! ~Congress, after having their pockets lined by big business, readies new copyright bill that fucks each and every one of us. ~Judge rules you can't be fired for surfing teh intarweb. ~AOL demands consent from the dead to cancel. ~Because 18 bazillion dollars a year isn't enough, Microsoft to beam piracy notices directly to your desktop. ~Asshat RIAA sues a family for downloading music. Except this family doesn't own a computer. ~Game to movie adaptations that should be made. ~National Day of Slayer is coming! Be ready! ~Seagate to unveil 750gig drives. No word if they'll come preloaded with pr0n and MP3s to save consumers time. ~The world's last fighting ninja still going strong. The pirates haven't won yet! ~Good news! The Goth Flasher has been captured! And by "goth" we mean "pale and goth looking". ~...because everyone should see a Hooters Girl cat fight at least once in their life (might not be entirely safe for work)... ~Captain Obvious says, "Goth kids more likely to cut themselves, commit suicide". ~Captain Obvious says, "People are idiots". ~Captain Obvious says, "Brokeback Mountain will not be a big hit in the middle east". ~Sweet! Sci-fi planning a Battlestar Galactica prequel series! ~Lucas taking a few more swipes at the dead horse. ~Legendary test pilot Scott Crossfield is dead. ~Einstein hated marriage, socks, and 8 other things. ~June Pointer of the Pointer Sisters has died ~Whackjob Jack Chick turns 82. ~WTF is happening to Saturday Morning cartoons?! Paris Hilton to star in one. ~MC Hammer has a blog. YA RLY. ~Darren McGavin, the guy who played the father in A Christmas Story* is dead. ~Shatner's afraid of failing Citizenship test, tribbles, Star Trek fanboys.
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News Day!	February 17, 2006 - 03:56PM
~The reason the crazy old cat lady is crazy is because of her damn cats. ~The MPAA busts itself for creating pirated copies of a movie. Wait. What? ~Whale puke nets couple 300 grand. ~Kid Whines and moans because he got picked to be the "different kid" for wearing a Broncos jersey in a PA school. ~Mopeds are risky rides. You could get killed, or your friends could see you on one. ~Black holes warp space, time, suck. ~Want free schooling? 1. Enter military. 2. Go to school. 3. Tell them you're gay. 4. get discharged under the Don't ask don't tell policy. ~Like the Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Ark, the US is just looking in the wrong place (for WMD). ~Cool: Japanese create "receptionist robot". Uncool: It's a Hello Kitty receptionist robot. ~Russian scientist creates invisibility cloak. ~In honor of all those dieting, 30,000 calorie sandwich. ~Gas shortage? yeah, right. ~Finally, the MythBusters tackle such myths as "can you really survive a winter night in the belly of a TaunTaun"?... ~I SAID, GUY SUES APPLE BECAUSE HE'S TOO STUPID TO TURN HIS IPOD DOWN! ~Christian sex toys? Oh god! (site not entirely safe for work) ~Apparently, it's a mortal sin (blasphemy) to use "I am" in any way, shape, or form. So no more saying "I am wearing socks", you fscking blasphemers! ~Al Qaeda acknowledges that Jews have a divine right (according to Allah) to Isreal. Wait. What?! ~US jobless rate drops to 4.7%. Quick everybody go on a long winded rant about how Bush sucks and this is bad for us. ~RIAA sues woman who has never used a computer, never owned, turned on, or purchased a computer. ~Superbowl ads. ~Mom freaks out when she finds baby suckling on dog. ~F-bomb seen from space (not safe for work, includes the f-bomb). ~Some company in Cincinatti requiring employees to get RFID chip implants. They couldn't pay me enough..... ~Something Awful Presents Star Wars Valentines Day cards. ~Bald Eagles close to being removed from Endangered list. ~Peter Pan claims another victim. When will the madness end??! ~RIAA says ripping CDs you legally own to your iPod is illegal. ~If you've ever wanted a Soviet era aircraft carrier for tooling up and down the river, your wait may be over! ~Microsoft demands you buy a new Windows license if you upgrade your Motherboard. ~Captain Obvious says: "When returning a rental car, make sure you take all your belongings, especially if those belongings include a disk of downloaded kiddie porn". ~Uncle Owen is dead, Stormtroopers finally got him. ~Peter Benchley, author of Jaws, is dead. ~Godzilla composer Akira Ifukube is dead. ~As expected, Britney Spears takes class at Michael Jackson's School of Parenting. ~Bill Nye The Science Guy explores the mating and pairing habits of Humans. ~Dexter's Lab director Genndy Tartakovsky signed to do Dark Crystal 2. ~Next Harry Potter movie set to film beginning next week. Rumor is Hermonie will have DDD's thanks to Ron's botched 'wand' work. ~Disney to buy Pixar. ~Geeks everywhere scream at the new E3 booth babe bannings. ~Nicole Kidman reportedly to marry Keith Urban.
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News day	January 20, 2006 - 05:34PM
~Fire station burns down. ~mmmmm Haggis.. ~Annoying someone on the Internet is now a federal crime. ~Dr Seuess' dream of Green Eggs and Ham 1/2 way to reality. ~SPRINT SUCKS ASS. ~Al Qaeda and insurgents fight each other in Iraq. Wait a minute..... ~Heh. Guy acting as a girl fired for accessing web page. 19,200 times. In 3 months. ~Cannibalism unlikely in the Donner Party thingers. ~The first twentieth of a second most crucial for keeping web visitors. ~Mexican military regularly has crossed the boarder into the US..probably looking for work. ~I think it's awesome to see a video of naked Japanese girls playing taiko drums (obviously not safe for work). ~Parrot rats out girlfriend. ~Credit card scam alert. ~mmm.. I'd love to let these girls play with my lightsabre (might not be entirely safe for work).. ~Surprisingly enough, MPAA's Anti-piracy site pirates HTML/Javascript code. ~Islamic scholars debate what are and aren't acceptable sex acts. grabs popcorn This is gunna be good..(maybe not entirely safe for work) ~Women love teh monkey pr0n. ~How to squelch your inner jackass. ~Old and busted: Bird flu..New Hotness: Spider plague. ~Jobless claims fall to 2k levels. Blame Bush. ~Jackass RIAA has failed to stop filesharing, plans to sue for thinking about it now. ~Wendys severed finger lady gets 9 years in jail. Her hubby gets 12. ~Osama bin Laden offers a truce to build Afganistan and Iraq? ~Cell phone battery dead? Piss on it. ~The White House wants Google to hand over pr0n search records, but Google tells them to slag off. ~Captain Obvious says: "Donovan McNabb is handicapped". ~Jessica Simpson loves her breasts (site not safe for work). ~Disney may by Pixar. ~Feh. no more hot Donna... ~Angelina Jolie expecting to receive MILF status soon... ~..and Brad didn't tell Jennifer about it. ~Happy Birthday, Albert Hoffmann! Thanks for the flashbacks! ~!!! Clerks 2 teaser is out. ~Reason to see Underword: Evolution besides Kate Beckinsale in Latex..Kate Beckinsale in a 2x girl+guy Vampire threesome.
368 words posted by darkrose	Comments (0) \| TrackBack (0) \| News Posts

News Day.	October 28, 2005 - 05:06PM
Since all you heathens can't live without it, I'll be doing news posts again. It'll be sporadic as time permits, but they'll get done from time to time. K? ~Next wave of games to require athletic abilities, thus shutting out gamer geeks everywhere. ~Proving Brody right, kid loses finger on Macy's escalator. ~Proving Star Trek is real, I give you transparent aluminum. ~FBI raids one of the largest spammers in the US. ~Ice cream vendor attacks dentist with sword. There can be only 31! ~In a surprising turn of events, Saddam acts like an asshat at his trial. ~Cats may be allergic to humans. ~Mother of the year tosses her kids into bay. ~Lion almost eats Steve-o. (Video) ~You are a registered sex offender wanted on drug charges. What do you do? The logical thing: have sex with a rotweiler. ~Some kid murdered some chick, gets called "goth" and "satanist" by media. ~Surfer beats off shark, asks for reach-around.. ~Chairman Mao was responsible for 70 million deaths. ~Email is 34 years old. ~Woman sues her partner for not giving her the big "o". ~Razor blades in candy? Urban myth. ~Wal-Mart is frickin' evil. ~Pee pee dance causes SUV production slowdown at Ford plant. ~AHHH! ~Southern Baptists , forgetting their beer is essentially water, too. ~Asshat banks now charging "ATM Denial Fees", for money that's yours that you didn't get. ~Even Christians think Jack Chick and his Chick Tracks are wacked. ~Captain Obvious says: "Hot chicks get more donations than ugly chicks or guys". ~Captain Obvious says: "A microwave is not a safe alternative for a clothes dryer". ~Captain Obvious says: "Shooting and yelling occur in Doom". ~ZOMG! Sulu is teh gayzorz! ~Mohammad Ali losing his fight with Parkinson's. ~Rosa Parks is dead. ~Tough times on Seseme Street: Elmo busted for panhandling. ~CC DeVille sentenced for DUI. He is a talented guitarist with unfortunate taste in hairstyles (being the guitarist from Poison and all). ~Anne Rice found God, presumably where I left him. Ah. No more "Taming of Sleeping Beauty", eh? ~Oh noes! Britney and Cletus' marriage might be on the rocks! ~In a strange turn of events, The Material Girl denounces sin, boobie cones. ~WE ARE ALL GUNNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!11
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News Day!	October 14, 2005 - 02:18PM
~Men are genetically programmed to be better shoppers than women. ~Missing: 15 lb siamese cat. Found: Burmese python with 15lb bulge. ~Here's a list of terrorist attacks since 9/11. All 43 pages of them. Religion of peace, indeed. ~Wedding Rings cause impotency. ~Cops smash 100,000 node botnet. ~The top 10 best and worst words to use on a job resume. ~Collecting medieval weaponry can be a rewarding hobby, that is until you get into a fight with your roommate's mother. ~Female high school Quarterback throws for 3 touchdowns despite being "under center" and having a "tight end" all game long. ~More bodies of the Hobbitses found. ~Scientists discover new species of lizard, saves a bunch of money on their car insurance. ~Pope on a pancake. ~Little progress made in stemming the spread of teh black ghonaherpasyphilaids. ~Al Qaeda says we "ran" from Vietnam (true). Also says that they want to spread the war to neighboring muslim countries. Nice "Religion of peace" you got there, fellas. ~Smurfs bombed. ~Yeah, now your poop can smell like roses! ~umm..WTF!? (may not be entirely safe for work) ~Tooth fairy coughs up a $500 check for charity. ~Here's a facinating article about EA Games and how they destroyed Origin Systems, one of the BEST game studios in the history of computer gaming. ~HAHA! The rightful King of England is Australian. ~Completing the Florida Python trifecta, Python can't escape after eating turkey. ~Mardi Gras will still go on. ~Proving the world is full of idiots, Wine in a Box is more popular than ever. ~Google and Comcast in talks to take over AOL, culimating in a big ball of suck. ~AHHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ~The microwave turns 50:00. ~Tampa Bay Bucs fan sues stadium operator for the farce of a "pat-down" they give for entering the stadium. Jebus christ, this guy's a retard. ~Captain Obvious says: "Cannibis is an antidepressant". ~Captain Obvious says: "Americans are rude". ~Captain Obvious says: "if you're going to pawn your computer, make sure to delete the kiddie porn first". ~Captain Obvious says: "If you steal a laptop, don't call tech support with questions relating to booting up". ~Angelina Jolie honored for her humanitarian work, awesome DSLs. ~According to her aunt (who must have been in the room to verify this), Tom Cruise impregnated Katie Holmes with the spawn of Xenu the natural way. ~ZOMG! NEWDITY IN HARRY POTTER!!!!111111(one) (not Emma Watson, sadly. And safe for work). ~Boy George may get his wettest dream fantasy come true..for 15 years... ~Hollywood is out of ideas: Coming soon: Terminator 4 and True Lies 2. ~Britney hires Cletus' ex as a nanny, what could possibly go wrong? ~"Wallace and Grommit" studio burns.
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News Day!	October 07, 2005 - 09:58AM
~Clowns in the Operating Room. And no, we don't mean the doctors.... ~Answers to your nagging superhero questions. Still no word if Reed Richards can stretch, you know, all his body parts. ~Asshat MPAA and RIAA Sign up for Internet2. ~Polio is back, and boy, is it PISSED. ~BP reports hurricane damage will cost them about $700 million to fix, forcing them to cut back to lighting cubanos with $50's instead of $100's. ~Uhh.. Bank of Wal-mart? ~Pope scares the bejesus out of a poor, sick kid. ~Finally, someone heeding my advice: Woman accused of downloading Gangsta rap sues RIAA under the RICO act (RICO=racketeering). ~The Russians finally want to bury Lenin. ~Mormon family gets porn DVD in mail mixup. ~Clear Channel whines to Congress that only allowing them to control 8 radio stations per city limits their ability to dominate the airwaves with suck. ~The Sun discovers why farts smell. ~"The RIAA’s ability to obtain its own search warrants might explain the 23 percent increase in anti-piracy investigation" ~Doctor perscribes sex with him to patent suffering back pain. ~MSNBC explains how to be the perfect wife..err I mean Tailgate hostess. ~Asshat RIAA gears up to sue Satellite Radio provider Sirius. ~Sex toy site looking for product testers. ~YARR! (SPROING!) (safe for work) ~There were no eating utensils in Medievl Times, but apparently, there were lawsuits. ~Leo Sternbach, the inventer of Valium, is dead. ~Paris Hilton and Mary-Kate Olsen combine into Mecha-attention whore as Paris steals Mary-Kate's man. ~The guy who played the tin man in The Wiz is dead. ~Enya hides out in panic room as intruder sacks her castle. ~Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes expecting a mini-Xenu. EWW! ~Oh Noes! Al Gore is upset! ~WE ARE ALL GUNNA DIE!!!!!!1 ~You can buy anything on eBay: Britney Spears' panties.
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News Day!	September 30, 2005 - 03:05PM
~Oil Refineries may have escaped Rita's wrath, making the price increases over the past week or so a simple case of price gouging. ~Fish Sticks turn 50. ~Tropical Storm Longwang could hit Japan this week! ~Man sends muslims hate mail. included pieces of ham with love letter. ~Pirhana jumps out of box and bites customs inspector. ~Woman ticketed for not having kids. ~Asshat RIAA gets an ass whuppin' in court by a 13 year old. ~Guinness to release new stout. ~Suicidegirls chicks getting mad. Link safe for work (Wired Mag). ~Man claims he has communicated with UFOs, builds landing strip. No word if it's on the top of Devil's Tower or not. ~Denmark Air Force jets kill Rudolph. Yes, THAT Rudolph. ~ZOMG! Quicksand "Drowning" scenes in movies debunked! ~Say bye bye to beluga caviar. ~Apparently sheep make for a 2 day party in the Falkland Islands ~Captain Obvious says: "Tom Cruise needs prozac". ~Happy 50th birthday, Kermit the Frog. ~American Pie 4 going direct to dvd. ~Apparently, Ozzy cheated on Sharon whith their nanny, who was described as an "ugly old cow". ~Don Adams 86ed at 82. ~Ron Jeremy touring the country holding debates on porn. ~Ashton Kutcher marries Demi Moore.
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News Day!	September 23, 2005 - 02:51PM
~Infidelity lists make me laugh. ~Woman bids $25,000 to have Stephen King kill off her brother in his next book. ~How to brew your own biodisel. ~Ice Cream apparently offends overly sensitive muslims who call for Jihad against Burger King. ~The National Hurricane Center may run out of names for storms. ~Wal*Mart being sued by over 116,000 employees for denial of lunch breaks. If you needed another reason to quit shopping there..there you go. ~New Orleans garbage, crap now washing ashore in Florida. ~Riding a bicycle can hurt your peener, make it not work anymore. ~New species of cannibis found, suprisingly not from Tommy Chong's bong. ~10 reasons why VHS is better than DVD. ~Women are becoming more greedy. ~What do you call a football player with no legs? Ineligible. ~Just being a fat ass (like me) doesn't mean you're going to die of a heart attack. ~My god, it's full of stars! ~Girl expelled from school because she has gay parents. ~New Orleans cop assigned to give bad-news updates every day kills himself. ~The Hamas plans to turn a Jewish synagogue into a pro-terrorist museum. ~The Recording Industry wants you to know playing a CD is a privledge, not a right. ~Bus carrying elderly out of Rita's path explodes, killing up to 24. ~9th ward levee in NOLA has been breeched again. ~Stewie from Family Guy gets a subservient chicken style website. ~Captain Obvious says: "Fugu can fugu you up". ~Captain Obvious says: "Computer security is totally inadequate". ~Captain Obvious says: "Oil companies might be screwing consumers"! ~ZOMG ANGELINA AND BRAD MADE OUT IN PUBLIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111 ~Gordon Gould, the guy who coined the word "Laser" is dead. ~Stephen King working on another book. A Zombie book. mmm..zombies. ~"Girls Gone Wild" producers donate proceeds from video to Katrina Relief. ~Nazi Hunter Simon Wiesenthal, dead at 96. ~WE ARE ALL GUNNA DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~You can buy anything on eBay: an angel in driftwood, The Magic of Sex book (amusing story).
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News Day!	September 16, 2005 - 01:14PM
~Katrina might do what environmentalist have been trying to do for years: Kill the SUV. ~eBay to acquire Skype. ~Here comes the economic impact part of the Katrina disaster. ~Louis Farrakhan dons an tinfoil hat, says levee was blown up to save the white part of NOLA. ~Mountain...Eww? ~Woman arrested for attempted murder after beating the crap out of a would-be rapist. ~Al-Qaeda group says it's used chemical weapons in Baghdad. ~Guy in Germany wants to power his car with dead cats. ~Micro$oft in talks to buy stake in AOL. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! ~It now costs more on average to insure a family of four than a minimum wage worker makes in an entire year. ~Man discharges an estimated 30k volts of static electricty from his jacket. Leaves burn mark in carpet. ~Some secrets about the Oracle of Delphi revealed via ancient text. ~A complete list of foreign aid offers to help Katrina victims. ~Captain Obvious says: "..I SAID YOUR I-POD IS MAKING YOU DEAF". ~Captain Obvious says: "If your kids spend hours in front of the television, they're gunna get fat". ~Renee Zellweger is now single again. ~Britney Spears is now an AHINLF (attention whore I'd not like to fsck). ~Oscar winning director Robert Wise is dead. ~Heidi Klum upgraded from Hottie to MILF. ~Hong Kong Disneyrand opens. It's the happiest prace on earth! ~Matt Damon is engaged. ~Eva Longoria really really really wants to get pregnant. I can help her with that. ~Pierce Brosnan tells James Bond producers that in order to keep fans interested you have to show a nipple every once in a while. ~Weezer may be calling it quits. Say it ain't sooooooooooooooo.. ~You can buy anything on eBay: a mystery sea monster head, evil mystery toast, a "hand woven penis cover", a mummified squirrel.
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News Day!	September 09, 2005 - 01:42PM
~Judge strikes blow against pirates, forgetting that sharing music is neither pirating nor illegal and pirates don't care anyway. Yarr! ~Lightning strikes car. With pics of the damage. ~Best. Ad. Ever! NOT SAFE FOR WORK, Pictures. ~Teacher deemed too sexy to teach Religion, sacked. ~Apparently, Dubya is responsible for this mess as well. ~Snopes.com explains to the ignorant masses why there were no buses to evacuate people. ~Britian sends ration packs to NOLA, but not before the BBC reviews what's being sent. Mmm...curried lamb.. ~Well, there's at least one neat thing to come out of the Hurricane Katrina thing... ~Virus writers now including death threats in their worms... ~Alligators eating the bodies of Katrina victims. ~Why Doggie Style is the best way to fark (not safe for work) ~Ford recalls trucks, time when vehicles didn't suck. ~Asshat subdivision bans evacuees. ~Breakfast helps keep girls skinny. ~Smoking makes you smarter. ~Tourists shut out of Millennium Park in Chicago, so GM shows up with free rides and tickets to other attractions. ~Bic sells it's 100 billionth pen. ~Since nothing else is going on in the world, CNN reports Elton John has a farting clock. ~Hollywood is out of ideas: Police Academy 8. ~World of Warcraft now being blamed for game manufaturers writing crappy games. ~Bob Denver, mostly known as "Gilligan" from Gilligan's Island is dead. ~Original Obi-wan Kenobi cloak worn by Sir Alec Guinness in the original trilogy, found in a London dress shop. ~Jerry Rice To retire at the end of the season. ~WE ARE ALL GUNNA DIE! You can buy anything on eBay: a gigantic funyun, a sherman tank.
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News Day!	September 02, 2005 - 03:50PM
~Katrina may be the final blow to the Space Shuttle Program. ~Hurricane Katrina should have been named Hurricane Global Warming, according to this crackpot. ~Berlin official flogged, publically humiliated, made to lick boots for welcoming S&M festival. ~Newly dubbed official eschew.net crackpot Cindy Sheehan to protest Blue Angels show in Maine. Because ariel acrobatics can kill! ~Oh noes! Britian to ban Intarweb bondage pron! ~Man finds a 1.22 carat gem quality diamond at a public diamond mine. ~Some guy dressed up as Darth Vader scares the crap out of his wife (video) ~Mastercard to persue an IPO with an introductory rate of 4.99%! ~A few stupid fscks in NOLA are now shooting at rescue helicoptors. Search and Rescue called off, Darwin called in. ~Gas is almost $6 a gallon in Atlanta. ~Oil companies, rest of America tell NOLA petrol workers to STFU & GBTW (no, not really but it's a funny headline isn't it) ~Religious right claims Hurricane Katrina was caused by teh ghey. ~Palm Beach County, on the right track, changes to four day work weeks to conserve gas. ~Unemployment is down to 4.9%. ~Many countries offer aid for Katrina victims, including France, Canada, UK, Russia, Japan, Mexico, Germany, Switzerland, Holland, Greeca, UAE, and others. ~Missouri man shelters 19 hurricane victims in his back yard. ~The assraping at the gas pumps will continue, but now there's no excuse for it. ~Asshat Kuwaiti government official, forgetting the fact that he is an official in the government due to the fact that we got Iraq out of there, says Allah sent Katrina to smite us unbelievers. ~Killer Whale: How you mine for seagull? ~Captain Obvious says: "Sharp decline in SUV sales reported". ~Captain Obvious says: "Cutting off your pit bull's ears will not make the dog look tougher". ~Captain Obvious says: "Blame OPEC, oil companies for rising oil prices". ~Bluesman R. L. Burnside is dead. ~Fats Domino missing in NOLA. [it's ok, they found him] ~Britney Spears announces she's praying for Katrina victims. Well now, that should solve everything. ~CBGB has lost their lease, asshat landlord refuses to renew. ~Michael Sheard, who ordered the destruction of Echo Base on Hoth, is dead. ~Monica: The Musical. ~Dorthy's Ruby Slippers stolen from museum. Wicked Witch of the West sought for questioning. ~Xena escapes Hurricane Katrina doom! You can buy anything on eBay: A MiG 15 jet, a missile silo, Micahel Moore's belly button lint.
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News Day!	August 26, 2005 - 03:53PM
~So it begins..Gas station attendant run over while trying to stop drive-off. ~Asshat companies won't hire Americans. I wish I could get a list of the companies that do this so I could not buy their products.. ~Grossed out hotel guests now packing their own linens, blue lights to check for semen stains.. ~HTTP geek panties ~An example of good old Christian Love. ~Yay! Asshat SUV drivers are finally getting with the program! ~Millions having hardcoral sex in Florida waters. ~Wow. Even Eastern Europe has their share of fat, drunken, country music loving rednecks. ~Google unveils IM system. ~Turns out that the PETA asshats piss EVERYBODY off equally. ~Lybia may not be so "evil" after all... ~18 things men hate about sex. Unfortunately, my pet peeve (not getting any) isn't listed. ~India may lose outsourcing opportunities to other countries soon because salaries are going to a whopping $204/wk. ~Bill Gates was accusing people of pirating his software while I was still in diapers. ~New fuel economy standards released. Unfortunately, it doesn't address the REAL gas hogs like Hummers and other supersized SUVs. ~Some asshat companies, not realizing everyone in the world has Internet access, is now trying to charge people to send them a bill. ~Research shows more people commit suicide on Monday than any other day. ~Three women rape man at gunpoint. Story says "man would have tremendous difficulty prosecuting them for rape as it was impossible to force a man to have sex with a woman." ~awww christ. I'm fscked! ~Only in ALabama can a man lose his life over a remote control. ~Cosmo outlines 10 new sex positions I'll never get to do (one must have sex to try sex positions) ~In news that should have been reported a year ago when it started, NFL fans are getting patted down before entering the stadium. ~Collector: US Mint, how much are these coins worth? US Mint: A butt-ton of money, but oops! We're seizing them! Collector: D'oh! ~Asshat MPAA Suing bittorrent users. ~Aww yeah.. Civ 4 baby! ~Six Flags puts up the white flag, pulls a France. ~Captain Obvious says: "Rising gas prices mean more gas thefts/drive-offs". ~Captain Obvious says: "Even though it's not a good idea, period, it's less of a good idea to break into a crypt and play with bones when you're serving community service at a cemetary". ~Marilyn Manson thinks Harry Potter practicing witchcraft is unacceptable, someone cares what he thinks. ~Natalie Portman now sporting a mohawk, plans to be adopted by Angelina Jolie. ~Read descriptions of some of the deleted scenes in Revenge of the Sith. ~Brad Pitt consulting with Tom Cruise's PR guy for advice on how to announce the whole him+Angelina Jolie thing. As if we didn't already know. ~Punky's a MILF. ~Worst. Album Covers. EVER. ~The BBC planning Peel Day to honor the late DJ John Peel. ~Man accused of impregnating Courtney Love says that he may have had a coke-fueled romp or two with some strippers, but he's never in his life been stoned enough to nail Courtney Love. ~Mark Wahlburg embraces his third nipple. ~Father of the modern synthesizer Robert Moog, is dead. ~Actress Natasha Lyonne is fighting for her life after being found in a ditch somewhere.. dirty druggie hippie. ~Hot redhead actress Marcia Cross engaged to her boyfriend. ~Olivia Newton-John's boyfriend is missing..Presumed in Xanadu getting Physical with a Muse. ~Iron Maiden pelted with eggs at last ozzfest appearance. Sharon Osborne also called Bruce Dickenson "a prick". ~Hottie actress Scarlett Johansson almost Diana'd outside of Disneyland. ~You can buy anything on eBay: A painting of Charlotte's vagina from Sex and the City (might not be entirely safe for work), an insanely creepy mannequin.
661 words posted by darkrose	Comments (0) \| TrackBack (0) \| News Posts

News Day!	August 19, 2005 - 04:27PM
~Women want to have sex every day..just not with me. ~Exxon Moble records record profits, because gas companies aren't making any money gouging consumers. ~The Asshat RIAA organized crime ring now turning to the burned CD racket. ~Bad: Finding out you're only worth $246 on eBay. Worse: High bidder is your mom. ~What does trans fat taste like? mmm..good.. ~Teen tosses 20 lb turkey through windshield, seeks plea deal. Victims demand justice, mashed potatoes, says everything else is gravy. ~Forecasters now expect at least 22 named storms this hurricane season. ~Here's a video of a Fat kid dancing, much to the chargin of the Numa Numa kid. ~Crocodile blood may fight HIV. ~That whole muslims can't kill innocents thing? yeah, they mean other muslims. Infidels aren't innocent. ~Russians are feeding cows teh pot. Cows now demanding Fritos and other snacky goodness. ~The ultimate furry (with pic). ~Playgirl to now feature more normal looking guys. ~This week is National Breast Pride Week in England. I demand all English citizens show me their boobies. Now. (site not entirely safe for work, features pics of women in lingere) ~Feel bent over now? experts predict $5/gal for gas in the summer of 2006. ~Tourists to a Czech town often complain they can't find any hookers. ~Teh intarweb might be going down soon, Cisco source code stolen. ~12 things you probably didn't know about sex (mildly not safe for work). ~The RIAA wants your fingerprints. ~Get ready for higher prices on beef. ~Uhh..yeah. All Jacksonville locals: stay the fark out of the St. John's River. ~Coolest granny in the world feeds birds pot seeds, grows pot in garden. ~The buzz is Amazon adds 'personal neck massagers' to it's product line. Critics vibrate with disdain. ~Consumption of french fries during the early years linked to breast cancer in adulthood. ~Captain Obvious says: "Rich people are happier than poor people". ~Kermit the Frog sits down with Newsweek for an Interview. ~Leonard Cohen is broke, finds inspiration for new album. ~Britney Spears claims to have mastered the art of oral sex, being a skanky, no-talent ho. ~Why Terrell Owens is such a jerk. ~Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady loves teh intarweb pr0n, even though he has a smokin' hot wife/girlfriend. ~You can buy anything on eBay: a possibly not work safe toilet, A NICE 1966 Austin Healey.
423 words posted by darkrose	Comments (0) \| TrackBack (0) \| News Posts

News Day!	August 12, 2005 - 02:57PM
~Why "suicide attackers" have not attacked the US in a while. Dude, what's with the PC? How about Muslim extremists... ~Bush to sign energy bill that will fark up Daylight Savings time forever. ~Guy spends 2 weeks with his nuts locked in a padlock. Dude, I can't make this shit up. ~Denver Planning on changing seven of it's library branches to "spanish only". methinks, the friggin' immigrants should LEARN THE FARKING LANGUAGE! ~Apparently, titty twisters are illegal in Oregon. No word yet if wet willys, noogies, and wedgies are acceptable. ~City apparently upset over bra fence. ~Apparently, Venezuela thinks they're North Korea, Socialism is the answer (hey, just ask Russia about socalism). ~Guy drives 210 miles before realizing he left her at a gas station. ~I, for one, welcome our new alien overlor...oh wait a second..... ~Iran prepares to instigate WWIII. ~Guy in Korea dies after wtfpwning n00bs in Starcraft for 50+ hours. kekekeke..n00b. ~Costco puts Picasso piece up for sale..for $130k ~How a cow from 1937 caused the Iraq war. ~Jennifer Wilbanks (runaway bride) meets the lawn arm of the law. ~Over 400 DOS games, FREE! ~Scientists identify the redhead gene, want to make painkiller cuz redheads like the spanky-spanky. ~God hates Boy Scouts. ~Some company is offering moon tours. For 100mil. No departure date. ~1 in 25 dads aren't really the dads of the children they raised. So THAT's why Liam has blonde hair/blue eyes. ~Dateline tracks down a porn spammer, to meet h0t wo men n0w! ~Guy makes furnishings out of fedex packaging. Posts website, FedEx lawyers profit. ~Supercuts sued for doing exactly what I wish every business would do. ~Another hot teacher caught banging her students. GODDAMMIT WHERE WHERE THEY WHEN I WAS GROWING UP! ~Bend over at the gas pump. The oil companies and their record profits thank you. ~Pedophile wins ruling that downloading kiddie pr0n is legal. ~Hax found to allow OSX to run on Intel-based PCs. Runs faster. ~Your mom was right! Porn can make you go blind! ~Captain Obvious says: "Homer Simpson is a bad influence on children". ~Captain Obvious says: "If you run an aquarium, it's not a good idea to have a sushi fundraiser". ~Captain Obvious says: "witnessing genocide causes stress". ~Captain Obvious says: "Blaming video games for your own stupidity doesn't work". ~Jennifer Connelly's husband is apparently boring in bed. I can fix that...... ~Henry Rollins announces tour dates, Jacksonville gets shafted because this town sucks. ~Angelina Jolie is now a Cambodian citizen. ~Johnny Depp suggests he might do porn. ~Matthew McGrory, the Giant from Big Fish, is dead. ~Happy Birthday, Betty Boop! ~Peter Jennings now live on the scene outside the Pearly Gates.
487 words posted by darkrose	Comments (0) \| TrackBack (0) \| News Posts

News Day!	August 05, 2005 - 02:50PM
~The Atkins craze is officially over. Bacon prices might soon be affordable again. ~You will take this pay cut and you will like it, Private Pyle! Sir, yes sir! ~Woman wants PhD in Air Guitar.. ~The big bang theory might have been disproven..again. ~10 little known facts about the British slave trade. ~mmmm my perfect job. ~Baby got back(packs)... ~Consumer Savings rate falls to 0%. ~Credit Card issued to Mister Dick Head. ~DA issues injunction against street gang, because street gangs obey the law and all that good stuff. ~This article about why men have nipples brought to you by Excite News... ~MMO Terminology guide. ~Microsoft Vista, not even out of beta 1 testing already plagued with a virus. ~Couple wants to get married in Cemetary. No word if the Bride will be wearing a Hot Topic gown or not. ~Another child dies at Disney. ~Look woman! I SAID no cuddling after sex! ~Captain Obvious says: "Iran is putting itself into a position it will regret being in". ~Captain Obvious says: "The Hollywood Dracula and the REAL Dracula have absolutely nothing in common". ~If you paid to see "A Knight's Tale" or other crappy sony pictures movies, Sony's got 5 dollars for you. ~Jimi Hendrix played gay so he didn't have to go to the nam. ~Luke's Lightsaber sells for $20k. ~Stiffler likes playing a doofus. ~Saudi Arabia's King Fahd is dead. So are cheap gas prices. ~WE ARE ALL GUNNA DIE!!!! ~You can buy anything on eBay: an inflatable Darth Vader, The opportunity to conduct a symphony orchestra [eBay Auction].
292 words posted by darkrose	Comments (0) \| TrackBack (0) \| News Posts

News Day!	June 10, 2005 - 02:07PM
~The supreme court yet again shows their collective ignorance. ~Ok, I like Disney and all, but THIS is over the top. ~Charlie Brown statue stolen. Little Redhead Girl unavailable for comment. ~Apparently, South Africans are gunna need bigger boats. ~The AP tries to explain 420. ~Iowaians are batty, and don't even know it. ~Apple sells out to the Intel beast! ~More than 25% of us North Americans are batshiat crazy. Explains a lot, huh... ~Here we go again!! ~Behold, the power of airsickness, behold Barf Vader (absolutely safe for work). ~Good comebacks to bad pickup lines... ~New Jersey shore residents are gunna need a bigger boat. ~Don't try to smuggle fish next to your tuna. ~Israeli scientist believes Jesus died for your blood clots. ~If we can't give you the big O, blame your parents, not us. ~Chrysler unveils extremely ugly car that gets 70mpg. ~Cubans make it most of the way to US in a converted vintage taxi cab. With pic. ~Health insurance costs rise because people can't afford the premiums to begin with. ~Want to know what's really going on in Iraq? Read this guy's blog. Excellent read. ~Here's a story about a website I'll never be able to visit". I'm so fugly, they'll probably ban my IP address. ~Woman fired after her previous career as a porn star came to light. ~Guys who spank it to M-M-F threesomes make better sperm than guys who spank it to solo boobies. (safe for work) ~Yay! I've got 10 more years to quit acting like a 20-something! ~The war on terror becomes the war on marriage. ~Pop Warner league dissolves because of asshat parents screaming racial discrimination. ~Mozilla Firefox pwns 8% of the browser market. ~Oxygen is giving away free panties! ~Reason number 2349087349824309832 not to use FedEx. ~Poor Cecil from the Straight Dope tackles the safety of coprophagia (poo eating). Might not be ENTIRELY safe for work, certainly disgusting. ~Cats pee on fax machine, causing house fire. ~Captain Obvious says: "Girl dresses as trendy goth, gets cold shoulder when applying for job at Abercrombie". ~Happy 90th birthday, Les Paul! ~Donald Duck turns 71, still doesn't wear pants. ~Former porn star Cholie Jones is dead. Site is probably not safe for work.. ~Anne Bancroft, Mel Brooks' wife and Mrs Robinson in "The Graduate" (amongst others), is dead. ~Stephen King sued by woman claiming to be thge inspiration he used for Annie Wilkes from Misery. ~Leonard Nemoy took pictures of fat naked people. Obviously not safe for work, considering the subjects are "fat naked people". ~Looks like Richard Dreyfuss and Speilberg are gunna need a bigger boat. ~Dubya's grades at Yale were comparable to Kerry's grades at Yale. So quit saying Dubya is dumb. ~Happy 65th birthday, Tom Jones! ~Spamalot wins 5 Tony Awards. "3, sir". Right. Spamalot wins 3 awards. ~Angelina Jolie embarrassed after realizing she had no underwear on under her dominatrix outfit. ~Russell Crowe beats the crap out of a hotel clerk because he couldn't make a Long Distance call. Can you hear me now, mofo!?! ~You can buy anything on eBay: Some ugly chick will drive from LA to Seattle topless.
571 words posted by darkrose	Comments (0) \| TrackBack (0) \| News Posts

News Day!	June 03, 2005 - 01:38PM
~62 sq ft apartment: only $247/wk! ~The female orgasm has no evolutionary function, not real. ~Mother claims her daughter was killed by an alarm clock, says she has proof. ~More meat for the grinder! Oops. ~Former FBI agent claims to be "Deep throat". ~Guy goes on killing spree inside wal-mart. I guess they were out of Sam's Choice sodas. ~Ford Motor Company vows help for mustangs, but only for 3 years/36,000 miles. ~Sony testing CDs that violate your rights under the Fair Use/Home Recording Act. Let them know they suck. ~Tree smites guy trimming it. ~Vegans are killing the rain forest. ~How movie theaters ~~rip you off~~ make money. ~An adopted Russian girl featured in many child porn videos has been rescued. Chalk one up for the good guys. ~Farking hippies: 10 California school districts sue to state because they don't offer standardized tests in Spanish. Welsome to Mexico North. ~After giving up on Disney, the American Family Association hates Ford now. ~Ford trucks, SUVs, after being driven too dangerously by asshat drivers, now catch fire for no reason. ~Filter-friendly .xxx porn domains approved for use. ~Reuters reporter apparently amused by his optical mouse. ~Might as well face it, you're addicted to love. ~Archaeologists discover 100 bottles of 50-year-old beer. ~Caveman returns to village because his fire went out. ~Lawyer sues car dealership for not selling him a car at his asking price. Who the FARK would pay $200k for a Ford?! ~Confessions of a London Parking Attendant (meter maid). ~Kansas Senator (a female at that) wants to abolish the right for women to vote in the US. ~Japanese inventor of Instant noodles to retire at 95 years old. ~REALLY funny video, not safe for work. ~Free Krispy Kreme donuts today (friday). ~This guy's other vehicle is a gundam. ~Naked Zorro terrorizes Philly. ~PETA says California cows aren't happy. ~Subway to discontinue its Sub Club promotion. ~Companies are cutting costs by getting YOU to do their work. ~Captain Obvious says: "eBay scams are still scams". ~Captain Obvious says: "Goldfish look nothing like pirhanas". ~Jerry Springer has a crush on Natalie Portman? ~Brooke Sheilds tells Tom Cruise to STFU and spend more time saving the world from aliens. ~Cameron Diaz sues the Enquirer for saying she cheated on Justin. ~CNN turns 25. ~Green Acres star Eddie Albert searching for green acres to plant his mortal coil. ~Denise Richards is a milf. ~WE ARE ALL GUNNA DIE!!!!!!!!! ~WE ARE ALL GUNNA DIE!!!!!! ~You can buy anything on eBay: An effigy of the Sith Lord on toast, A box of Japanese Star Wars Frosted Flakes, a wedding dress, never worn, because the groom was banging the matron of honor, a piece o' crap.
503 words posted by darkrose	Comments (0) \| TrackBack (0) \| News Posts

News Day!	May 27, 2005 - 03:39PM
~All you never needed to know about SPAM (the food) ~Eat Hufu. ~1337 H4xx0rz holding files hostage, demand ransom, pizza rolls. ~Guy gets Black Sash in Kung fu. What makes this kick ass is he's wheelchair bound. ~Move over Atkins, the Jebus diet is here! ~Yarr! Blackbeard's ship may have been found, ya scurvy dogs. ~Idiot star wars fans=0, Darwin=2 (maybe). ~Heh. cockloft fire. ~2 Japanese WWII deserters found in the Phillipines. Gilligan unavailable for comment, too busy eying the mini-sub. ~So your ex boyfriend posts nekkid pictures of you on Yahoo, so what do you do? You sue Yahoo! ~Viagra, like masturbation, can make you go blind. ~mmm.. Burger my size. ~Commander Irony gives a nod To the fraud guru who became a victim of credit card fraud himself. ~Dumbass kills 2 people IRL over message board flamefest. ~How to make a guinness popsicle. ~Captain Obvious says: "Faces of Death is not real. ~Captain Obvious says: "Penis potions don't work". ~Captain Obvious says: "There are a ton of people who don't know how to drive". ~Captain Obvious says: "The more pesticides you're exposed to, the more likely you are to have ill health effects". ~Wait a second.. If Morpheus got killed off in The Matrix online, wouldn't that mean people actually have to PLAY that steaming pile of crap game? ~Yeah, no more Star Wars my ass. ~Tom Cruise proves he's gay. What could have possibly happened that could not have been overcome for a hottie like Nicole? ~15 reasons to be glad Stat Wars is finally over and done with. ~Voice of Fred Flintstone dead at 85. ~As expected, Revenge of the Sith gets the blinking red light of sin. ~You can buy anything on eBay: a guillotine used to cut off a guy's finger, some guy's friendship, A potato chip with the image of jesus' face.
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News Day!	May 20, 2005 - 12:46PM
~Scientists may have found a drug to cure lukemia. ~There are only 8 HoJo resturants left in the world. This might be a GOOD thing. ~Monday May 16 was Sea Monkey Day. Yeah, I missed it too. ~The interesting history of the Wendy's chili finger. ~Court rules woman not liable for penis damage. (safe for work) ~Man attempts to base jump from Eiffel tower, gets made into le pizza de rue. ~Preschoolers get kicked out of school at a rate 18 times higher than kids from kindergarten to 12th grade. Control your hellions, folks. ~Stegosaurs had small peeners, so they had flashy bling. ~Kudzu may help curb binge drinking. ~Ouch! superglue+genitalia=bad ~Iceberg: LAND HO! Glacier: EEP! ~PETA asshats accuse lab of choking chickens, punching monkeys. ~All slots have been filled in U of Iowa's new porn class. ~Howstuffworks tackles the Sith. ~Allstate renames itself to AllstatesExceptFlorida. ~Are the American Muslim Associations becoming the new NAACP, demanding this and that, etc.. ~English Anti-SUV folks are 10 times worse than I am. ~Dolphins can now phone in and say "So long and thanks for all the fish". ~Use the force and make a Lightsaber dildo. (Not safe for work, shows glowing artifical manbits). ~Here's a picture of Darth Vader sitting on a bench reading the paper. ~Global warming my ass... ~Big utilities claim another victim. ~Netscape releases new browser that combines the security holes of both Firefox and Internet Explorer. WTG AOL! ~Captain Obvious says: "Dollar stores may sell poor quality items". ~Captain Obvious says: "Your 2 and 4 year old are too young to stay home alone". ~Captain Obvious says: "The Prius is a POS". ~Captain Obvious says: "Ticketbastard screws their customers". ~Just in case you ever wanted to see Saddam Hussein in his whitie-tighties..... ~Some guy says Jim Morrison is alive and raising horses in Oregon. [site with pictures] ~Trent Reznor bilked out of millions, says they let him down, so he will make them hurt. ~Kylie Minogue diagnosed with breast cancer. ~Lucas now claims the prequels were never intended to be made and neither was Empire and Jedi. ~Rumor has it The Dark Crystal 2 might be not far on the horizon. ~WE ARE ALL GUNNA DIE! You can buy anything on eBay: a $0.50 chip for 10 grand, a ring with an interesting story, A murloc sticker for your car..
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News Day!	May 13, 2005 - 12:47PM
~Chicken gets ticket for crossing road. ~Jesus Christ has difficulty getting W. VA driver's license. ~High School student denied graduation because she took AP Biology instead of PE. ~NOOO! natural redheads may be extinct as early as the year 2100. ~In a shocking turn of events, PETA Kills animals. Lots of them. ~Ex RIAA head Hillary Rosen complains her iPod music is copy protecte